Duel at Grimmauld Place!
by pyrebi
Summary: Sirius and Snape finally have the fight that's been brewing for decades! Hexes, pink hair, and chocolate fetishes abound before the end. One-shot humor fic!


Rating for mild, if somewhat dangerous, violence; mad, rabid clichés; and Remus's chocolate fetish. This was just inspired by a random plot bunny. (Or maybe my muses came back! No, no, they ran away years ago. I didn't feed them enough.)

I'm not sure who are the main characters in this. It starts off with Sirius and Snape (it's labeled under them) but Remus and Molly play a large part, too. So oh well. By the way, and I'll put this in bold so I don't get any flames, **the characters are rather OOC**. Beware if you're a purist. Also, a bit of my dark, sadistic side creeps in at one point, so it's not true humor. Enjoy, nonetheless!

--

The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. If looks could kill, both of them would've dropped dead on the spot. The pure animosity made the air in the dank room sizzle. The clichés were running wild.

"Say that again, I dare you."

Severus Snape repeated his last words slowly and deliberately, a smirk playing its way across his thin lips. "You are absolutely, positively_ worthless_. You sit here day in and out, complaining about being locked up. But if you were allowed to fight, your brain would prove too addled for you to be of any real use anyway. Not that you had much brains to begin with anyway. You always _were_ Potter's lapdog."

Sirius's face pulled into a snarl. "I don't care what Dumbledore says, you're still nothing more than a filthy Death Eater to me!"

Remus Lupin looked at each of the bristling wizards in turn. They'd been going at it for a good ten minutes already. Brushing his greying hair away from his face, he sighed. Sometimes, he didn't know why he didn't move to a little cottage in Switzerland. Seclusion, peace, and more than enough Swiss chocolate to keep his cravings satisfied. Ohhhh, Swiss chocolate...ye gods, why wasn't there ever a lovely, creamy bar around when he needed it most? Melting on your tongue, sweet and rich, releasing happy endorphins into your brain... Remus needed a chocolate fix. He glanced up at the snarling wizards again, who were now threatening to drop their wands and go straight for Muggle fist-fighting. Oh yes, he need one _now_.

Molly Weasley entered the dining room from the hallway and stopped dead. It took all of two seconds for her face to go to a lovely tomato-esque shade of red. "What do you two think you're doing?"

Sirius shoved a hand out towards her, but his glare never left Snape's face. "Stay out of it, Molly. He needs to remember who owns the house he's standing in right now."

Remus said wearily, "Just let them fight this once. Maybe it'll clear up some tension around here."

Molly turned to the werewolf, seemingly surprised to see him. "Oh! I thought you'd gone out. Here, this package arrived for you today." She passed a rather large and extremely heavy box to Lupin, who blinked at it. Suddenly his eyes lit upon the Honeydukes seal on one corner and he grinned.

Remus cleared his throat. "Okay, we'll have a wizard's duel tonight, 8 pm sharp in the dining room, Severus Snape versus Sirius Black, free admission. I, renowned duelist Remus 'Moony' Lupin, will be serving as referee."

Sirius and Snape broke eye contact with each other to stare at him like he was mad. An _organized_ duel, just the two of them? Quickly sizing the other up, the two men nodded suddenly, then retired to different parts of the house.

"Knew that would work," Remus chortled.

"I hope you're aware of what you've just done," Molly muttered.

-

At 7:59, Sirius stood toe to toe with Snape, glaring for all he was worth. In his hand he clutched a long willow wand, a replacement for his original, which had been snapped in two when he was shipped off to Azkaban some fourteen years before. His knuckles were white from clenching the wand with suppressed rage; his body shook with the anticipation of cursing his rival from here to next Tuesday.

Snape, however, was cold and calculating as ever. His ebony wand was barely supported by his thin fingers. He coughed lightly and looked over towards the wall.

The long dining tables had been pulled over to the walls and stood up on their sides like shields to protect the onlookers. Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Ginny had very nearly been sent off to bed by Mrs. Weasley, but Remus had saved them. They huddled behind one table with Fred and George; Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, Tonks, Mundungus, Moody, and Kingsley (who had said there was no way he was going to miss _this_, Auror paperwork be damned) were crouched behind another.

Remus strode into the room at precisely 8 o'clock, dressed in his best robes (and even these were a bit on the shabby side). He looked completely different than the miserable man than had been wandering the house earlier; indeed, he positively glowed. Grinning widely, he clapped his hands for attention. "Ladies and gentlemen, we're here to witness the duel between Severus 'Scary Greasy Git' Snape and Sirius 'Padfoot' Black. Do both duelists have their wands? Excellent! On my count, then..."

(Fred raised an eyebrow. "Did he just say 'Scary Greasy Git' Snape?"

His twin nodded. "He did."

Ron looked at their old professor curiously. "Does he look...healthier...than normal? And he's acting really funny, too. Kinda like he's drunk, but not."

Ginny blinked. "Well, he got a really big box from Honeydukes in the post today. I think it was a shipment of chocolate."

Hermione groaned. "_That_ explains it."

Harry looked at her funnily. "Explains what?"

Hermione straightened up and cleared her throat. "Chocolate contains a number of chemicals that react with the brain to produce a euphoric feeling by emitting a rush of endorphins. Eating a great deal of these substances can put one into an excited or stupor-like state, where one is not entirely aware of his surroundings; the reaction has often been compared to the effects of the drug cocaine. These chemicals can occasionally cause a mild addiction, as well. The professor's obviously eaten a good amount of chocolate in the past three hours. He's not really himself right now."

Ron's eyes widened considerably, absorbing what he considered to be the necessary information in Hermione's normal, brainy, and obviously clichéd, monologue. "You mean Lupin's a _druggie_? That's wicked awesome!"

Harry studied the loose form of Remus standing a few yards away. "Well, he _does_ seem a bit giddy.")

Remus's eyes glowed as he eyed a large watch with many different spinning hands that was fastened onto his wrist. "Three...two...one...DUEL!" Then he gleefully leapt backwards away from the other two men, obviously not keen on suffering any damage himself.

Snape's first action was to attempt to place Sirius in an immobile state; Sirius's first action was to dodge roll to the left. Landing on his stomach on the ground, the Animagus twitched his wand and instantly Snape's hair was a violent shade of pink. Sirius didn't have much time to laugh, though, because soon a rope of fire was snaking its way across the stone floor towards him. He hopped up and jogged a little to the right, twitching his wand as he went. The somber black robes that Severus always shrouded himself with began tinking from canary yellow to lime green to a periwinkle blue and back again.

Hot pink eyebrow twitching, Snape roared, "Are you going to fight or just use harmless hexes until I kill you?"

"Now, now, Snivellus, I just want to knock some of the haughtiness out of you before I destroy your pride for good," Sirius said, smirking grimly.

Snape gave a dramatic swoosh of his wand, a sickly fog hurtling towards Sirius's body. Unable to dodge the expanding curse, Sirius attempted a shield, but it didn't materialize soon enough. All color drained from the convict's face as he began to retch violently. Fortunately, it was just dry gagging, but Sirius sank to his knees anyway, eyes fixed on the floor. Snape smiled maliciously as he stepped over to his apparently helpless victim.

"Your skills truly _have_ slacked off, Black. Not been practicing while hiding in your mother's house? I wouldn't expect you to. You're probably just thinking up ways to save your own neck..."

(Harry was livid. His godfather was on the floor convulsing while his most-hated professor was crouching over him laughing. Seizing his wand from inside his pocket, Harry prepared to inflict the most painful curse he knew on Snape. The twins, however, held him down.

"Wait, there, Harry. He's faking now," George whispered.

The black-haired teen glared up at the taller boys. "What?"

Fred's face twitched with a flitting smile. "He's faking now. We've thrown up enough from testing the products for the Snackboxes to know when someone's really sick or not. Now watch.")

Indeed, just as Snape's face descended towards his own, Sirius suddenly stopped the quivering of his body and grinned wickedly up at the Potions teacher. Before Snape could react, a blistering light surged from the end of Sirius's wand. The spectators squinted against the rays, but Snape was too close for any such salvation. Shouting, he stumbled backwards, temporarily blinded.

Sirius leapt to his feet, a triumphant look spreading across his features. "Just don't try any of your Unforgivable curses, Snivelly. Although I'll bet _you_ practice 'em every day, eh? Once a Death Eater, always a Death Eater, or so they say!" He sprang forward and wrenched Snape's left arm towards him, pushing up the sleeve of the tinking robe to expose an ugly black mark seemingly burned on the pale flesh of the forearm. "Well, if it isn't Voldemort's own mark. I haven't seen one this close before, but of course I can recognize it..."

Sirius was suddenly sent flying as Snape's right hand, curled into a fist around his wand, smashed into the side of his head. The thin body skidded along for a few feet before resting motionless on the floor. Snape, eyes wide and teeth bared, jerked his sleeve back down; he was practically roaring with rage. He raised his wand to mete out what would surely be a painful curse when, all of a sudden, a huge black dog was leaping at his throat.

The great furry beast locked its jaws on Snape's shoulder, causing the man to tumble backwards with the dog on top. Snarling viciously, it attempted to rip out a largish chunk of flesh, twisting its head from side to side. Thinking quickly, Snape jabbed his long wand past the teeth and into the roof of the dog's mouth, where it emitted a flurry of searing red sparks. Yelping in pain, the dazed canine lifted its hold and lolled it tongue; a heavy stream of drool issued from its injured maw and dribbled onto Snape's exposed shoulder and neck.

Within a moment, though, the dog recovered and the teeth were bared again, slashing violently down Snape's wand arm, rendering it useless. Then the powerful jaws snapped onto the throat of the pinned man; even though it was somewhat skinny, the dog still possessed a massive bulk. Snape's left arm beat any part of the canine it could reach: its shoulder, its back, its muzzle and eyes. Gradually, though, the blows became weaker and weaker, until they stopped altogether; Severus Snape was being asphyxiated by the teeth around his throat. The body below the teeth went limp. Still, the dog wouldn't let go.

"Stop! Stop, Sirius, you're killing him!"

Somewhere very far away, Molly Weasley's voice sounded upset. The great black dog loosed its hold on the pale neck and looked around, its eyes glazed and unfocused, blood from tearing open Snape's arm oozing from its jowls. Below its paws, the unconscious form of the Potions Master shuddered as his lungs expanded with air.

Molly, Moody, and Kingsley were rushing over to the center of the floor where the two panted for breath. Remus looked shocked, leaning against one of the tables for support. Harry and his friends were having a very hard time not cheering for Sirius, now that they knew Snape wasn't necessarily dead. Kingsley forcefully lifted the dog and set it on the ground; with the weight off of his chest, Snape seemed to breath more easily.

The dog slowly morphed back into the form of Sirius Black, who looked sick for a moment and spat the blood from his mouth before collapsing into a heap, out cold.

-

"But Snivellus never stays for meals," the long-haired man whined, wincing as salve was applied to his face.

Molly clucked her tongue. "Well, maybe so, but _Severus_ is staying for breakfast today. Maybe lunch, too."

Sirius grumbled mightily all of the way down the stairs. One eye had swollen beautifully black and purple, and, along with a huge knot right above his left temple, was evidence of the spectacular hit Snape had gotten in on him. Various other smaller bruises and abrasions covered his thin face, testimony to the last night's activities.

When he reached the dining room, Sirius was surprised to see it looked completely normal; one would never have known a brawl had taken place in it a mere twelve hours before. Sitting at one of the tables, looking aloof and thoroughly unhappy with the large number of people surrounding him, was Severus Snape.

He looked worse for the wear as well. Though his hair was back to its normal black greasiness, Snape's right shoulder and arm were hanging outside of his robe, completely bandaged. Tightly wound too was his neck, but one could see the dark, ugly bruises spreading above the cloth.

The two men glared at each other disdainfully for a moment before Sirius took his seat; both were too exhausted to want to murder the other with the porridge. A stifling silence fell over the room; everyone was waiting to see what would be said. Sirius, disconcerted and not just a little irked, finally looked around and said, "Where's Moony?"

Molly stood up very suddenly and marched out of the room, her back stiff. She must have reached breaking point. Silence reigned again before the occupants of the dining room heard approaching voices.

"Ow, ow, ow! What're you up to? I was sleeping! Ow, Molly...I said OW!" the voice of Remus groused, higher than normal.

"I don't give a Chocolate Frog if you were in the middle of _transforming_, Mr. Remus J. Lupin! You're practically responsible for last night's fiasco! Therefore, you _will_ be present for my lecture!"

"OW!"

The door to the room was suddenly kicked open by Molly, who was twisting the much taller Remus's ear viciously. The greying man was still in his nightshirt and a pair of drawstring pants, and looked anything but happy. His ear was throbbing under the thumb and forefinger of one extremely angry redheaded woman. She jerked his head down to her level and glared at him.

The people in the room, with the exception of Snape, couldn't help but grin at the awkward scene before them. Ginny called, "Just be glad you haven't had your ears freshly pierced, Professor. It hurts even worse then, I should know!"

Remus smirked dryly at the girl's remark before centering his grievances on her mother. "Why are you blaming _me_? I'm not the one who nearly choked the life out of Snape with my—OW!" He was dragged along as Molly strode purposefully over to the table and wrenched Sirius up by his ear as well.

Even Snape was having a hard time concealing his amusement; one little woman with flames dancing in her eyes was dominating two of the legendary Marauders, both of whom were much larger and stronger than she. "You!" she cried, shaking Sirius. "You nearly killed him!"

Sirius mumbled something along the lines of, "He deserved it."

"_He most certainly did NOT deserve it, Black!_ You were being a brute and you know it! I don't know _how_ many times Remus told you to stop, but did you listen to him? No, you were too busy nearly slaughtering our best spy, and over what? Some stupid childhood squabble!" Molly screeched. Sirius blinked. _He_ certainly didn't remember Moony telling him to stop... Well, there had been those urgent-sounding background noises...

The long-haired man looked across the woman's head at Remus. "You told me to stop?"

The werewolf rolled his eyes. "Only about twenty times. I've never seen so you so determined to kill someone. Unless it was Peter in the Shrieking Shack. But then again, you weren't exactly sane then."

"You try staying sane after twelve years having the happiness leeched out of you as punishment for a crime you didn't commit, mate."

"Point taken."

"STAY ON TOPIC!" Molly roared, yanking on their ears. Both men yelped in pain.

("Mum..." Ron started, embarrassed, but the twins shushed him.

"This is getting good!" Fred hissed.

"Yeah, she might even go after Snape!" George muttered, a hungry look on his face that had nothing to do with the fact it was breakfast time.)

Molly, as if on cue, swung around, causing her captives to stumble. She fixed Snape with a glare that even he would have been proud of, had not been directed at himself. "And you! Here you are, a professor and trusted spy, practically picking the fight yourself! What's your excuse? Sirius has been locked up, no wonder he's gone a bit daffy—"

"Hey!" Sirius protested weakly.

"—And Remus was under the influence of his own personal drug, but what about you? You certainly had your wits about you! What could induce you to get in an idiotic bout like that?"

Sirius mumbled, "He's just an unpleasant git." Remus, at exactly the same time, muttered, "He was probably unloved as a child." The two looked at each other and grinned before squeaking as their ears were violently assaulted by the iron grip of Mrs. Weasley.

Snape rose to full height and looked down his hooked nose at Molly. "I do not need to explain my motives to you," he said waspishly, though he voice held a funny roughness that was probably caused by the huge bruises on his throat.

The short woman began to turn a brighter shade of red. "Listen, you..." she began. "I'm sure that, given half the chance, you would have gladly killed him as well. At least he started with harmless hexes! You went straight for the painful, dangerous curses!"

"So?" Snape sneered. "That's the way to fight a _real_ duel. Incapacitate your opponent before he does the same to you."

"THAT WASN'T THE POINT IN THIS DUEL!" Molly shouted. Her fingers were clenching tighter than ever on the unfortunate men in her grasp, both of whom were fighting against the tears welling up in their eyes.

"Well, what _was_ the point, then? But I think we've now proved where your children get both their stubbornness," Snape leered, "and their _idiocy_. After all, that's what you Weasleys are known for, right?"

With a shriek, Molly released Sirius and Remus and vaulted across the table at Snape. Now it was the men's turn to attempt to restrain the woman. Unfortunately, their desperate lunges missed. Harry, Hermione, and Fred, all of whom had been in the path of the raging redhead, quickly dashed to safety.

Within seconds, Snape was having the life choked out of him for the second time in twelve hours. He had, once again, tumbled onto his back on the ground, and a long string of hexes was flowing from his mouth with his last breaths. Luckily (for Molly), his wand had flown several feet away when she tackled him.

Sirius and Remus peered over the table at the short, furious woman with her hands around their childhood nemesis's throat. The taller man was starting to turn blue, and his eyes were becoming glassy. A long few seconds passed before both shrugged with indifference and sat down to eat their cooling porridge.

--

Snape ended up staying at 12 Grimmauld Place for five days, recovering from his injuries. Oddly enough, no one seemed willing to cast a healing charm on him, and with his wand arm so banged up, it was four days before he could do it himself. When he recovered, he left without a word to anyone.

Snape never mentioned to anyone the events of that night. But it must be noted that he was always a bit more wary of Sirius thereafter, and neither Fred, George, Ron, nor Ginny ever made a passing grade in Potions that year. If anything, Severus Snape was the master of passive-aggressive revenge.

--

The end! Hope you enjoyed it! Lemme know what you thought if you have the time!


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